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The Falling Dream
Last night was a ruff night for me in all honesty.
For the last month I had really hit rock bottom. I haven’t felt so low and depressed like that in a really long time but finally everything caught up to me. I slowly let things eat away at me. I was miserable.
I also needed answers from someone for myself because of my own confusion and feelings were interfering with something that didn’t need to be interfered with. I let emotions get in the middle of something wonderful, maybe one of the best things in my life. None the less I needed to ask and get an answered to be able to move on.
I apologize for being so vague but I feel that I need to keep this one kind of private because of the person that is involved.
I asked my question and I got my answer and truthfully what the answer was broke my heart. I hung on to a chance of hope that I shouldn’t have. Sometimes I think we as people should let something that is good just stay the way it is. Why tamper with it if there is nothing wrong?
I cried so hard and felt so pathetic that I couldn’t even stand myself. My eyes hurt and I was exhausted and just plain confused on where do I go from here?
While wading in my self pity I received a phone calls from the people who knew me best to make sure I was okay. Which to those people thank you. I appreciated it, but the one phone call that changed my everything and my out look came from someone I known for a long time and in the past year have become really close and good buds.
When he first called I told him what happened and as a good friend he apologized and said it was going to be alright. As our conversation went on I became extremely exhausted one from crying so much and well because it was late. I told him to tell me a story so I could fall asleep. So he started to tell me about Job from the Bible.
( Mind you I am not a person who goes to church every Sunday or someone that will preach to you. I have my own beliefs and I keep them mostly to myself.)
He barely started the story and I was asleep, then after about 30 mins I was jolted awake by a falling dream. It was like falling as fast as I could back into reality. It happened so quickly and honestly it scared me so bad that when I woke up I gasped for air!
He didn’t hear me gasping for air, which I really surprised about but when I woke up and realized he was still on the phone at that exact moment he started praying for me. This guys knows me really well and knows all of my struggles and my deepest fears. Like I said we are close, and when I say that he was praying for me I hope that no one judges because I am going to tell you the power of prayer is amazing.
While he was praying I didn’t say anything because I felt like I needed to just let him pray and say what he needed to say. The things that he prayed over me were heart filling. The best way I can explain how I felt is like your heart being filled up with pure joy. You feel so full of happiness and love you could burst. I had to mute the phone because I started crying and I didn’t want him to know I was awake.
I have never had anyone pray like that for me or even care that much enough to pray for me. I don’t feel like I need to share everything that was said because its between me, God and the guy. I will say though that through what was said and what he prayed for when I woke up this morning in all clarity of what I need to do with my life. There was no more sadness or anger and confusion for anyone or anything. I understood why Ive been through what I have been through. I felt like for the first time in a long time that everything was going to be okay. I felt like I could breathe again. I felt loved and cherished and honored truthfully by something higher than myself or any other on this planet.
I have said a million times before that I know what I am here to do but today I woke up with the power to make that happen. To finally pursue my dream and that is a rewarding feeling. I feel like I have been assigned to something great and I can’t wait to finally get it all together and start doing what I was sent here to do.
A lot of this is hard to explain but I believe in a higher power and that higher power steps in through other people to show you what you need to see. I have been in a wonderful mood all day. Its like night and day from yesterday to today.
I just wanted to share my really awesome experience because when things like that happen in your life its not something to be ignored.
On a side note!
I hope everyone’s New Year is starting off wonderful! Good things are to come in 2013. I would really like for Stay Beautiful Always to take off, like I have said in Facebook multiple times, but in order for that to happen I need my supporters and followers help. Please don’t be shy if anyone needs to talk I am here with an clear ears and big heart and open arms.
Stay Beautiful y’all! I know I will be ; ]
Kathleen’s Story
This is my story, my life…
A woman according to Webster dictionary this is the definition of a woman…
Definition of WOMAN
1 a: an adult female person
b: a woman belonging to a particular category (as by birth, residence, membership, or occupation) —usually used in combination <councilwoman>
2: WOMANKIND
3: distinctively feminine nature : WOMANLINESS
4: a woman who is a servant or personal attendant
5: achiefly dialect: WIFE
b: MISTRESS
c: GIRLFRIEND 2
— womanadjective
— wom•an•less -ləs\adjective
Despite the vague description that Webster gives us, I believe that there is no set definition of a woman. Many events throughout our life help shape us into the beautiful beings that we are. Everything that I have been through, positive and negative events, have turned out to be a blessing. What I am about to tell you was just a small unfortunate event that happened but, in no way does it define the woman that I am.
I am not the type of woman who likes to beat around the bush, so here it is. I was raped on June 19th 2011. Up until recently I honestly believed that I was healed, not 100% healed but, I thought I was doing pretty good. The reason I started to question my healing process was because I became interested in a man.
This new man, we will call him Daniel for the sake of anonymity … anyways he is wonderful Daniel and I were sharing personal stories of our life, you know just getting to know each other. We asked questions about life, we simply wanted to know what makes us tick. I knew that eventually I should probably let him know what happened June 19th of 2011… He did not need to know but, something in my heart wanted to share this with him. He is an angel that has helped me heal in many ways… When I began to tell him about what happened it opened up some wounds that I hadn’t fully dealt with, and now I am able to face them for what they were and I am on my way to being healed 100%
Before I get off topic, I want to make sure we are all on the same page…. I never questioned why it happened, I just knew it happened and I wanted to forget about it. So here is what happened June 19th 2011…
I will be using pseudonyms for all of the people I am about to mention.
June 19th 2011, It was a beautiful summer night.
My friend Lindsay and I were heading over to Travis’ house; I introduced Lindsay and Travis to each other in May. I have known Travis for years but we never really were close friends… Travis was just that person you always see at all the parties you go out to but you never really talk to them outside of the party scene. Travis was throwing a birthday party for is buddy Eddy, Eddy and I also had a similar relationship like I had with Travis…
Lindsays friendship and mine was relatively new, we had been friends for about 2 months. Lindsay and I were not the best of friends, do not get me wrong we got a long and always had a great time together but we always made questionable decisions whenever we would go out together. I just was not close enough to her to care about the choices she made and she didn’t care about me either, hence why we aren’t friends anymore…
Anyways, we were drinking at Travis’ house. People were coming in and out of the party the whole night.
Before you know it, it is just you and three other people playing beer pong.
Human being to human being, there is a common trust that you have in people, a trust that is overlooked too often. A trust that could be broken in a second.
There wasn’t anybody that night that had questionable characteristics; of course I didn’t expect the person who raped me to have a sign on his head that said “Rapist”.
We were all there it celebrate a birthday and have fun and as the night died down I jumped in the hot tub and just watched my friend Lindsay play beer pong with Travis and two other guys, a blonde hair guy and a brown hair guy. They came to the party at the very end so I never caught their names… I was pretty intoxicated at the time and I thought to myself …
“I should call my sister to come pick us up pretty soon” …
Time out, as I am writing this I can feel myself fighting the memories that are coming back to me, I am trying limit them from resurfacing all at once, I don’t want them to come up all at once…
Ok time in.
As I was sitting in the hot tub watching Lindsay play beer pong, I decided to turn around and just try to sober up a little. I was listening to everyone laugh and have a good time and then I noticed that someone else was getting into the hot tub. I looked up and noticed it was the blonde haired person who was playing beer pong with Lindsay and Travis. He calmly sunk into the hot tub and made some remark on how nice the hot tub felt.
We talked and shared some general info about eachother and got some laughs out of eachother… there wasn’t anything that stood out about him, he was normal. He played baseball for MJC and lived in Turlock his whole life. He was just a average college kid to the naked eye.
The thing I remember the most was a look he gave me while were sitting in the hot tub, it was a stare that was literally branded into my brain… it was a haunting stare, cold, scary, weakening… but in a blink it was gone. Then I went back to trusting him.
Everyone else went inside. And as I later found out Travis and Lindsay went to go hook up and brown haired guy went home.
So there I was, alone with a man that I didn’t know.
Before I knew it he was on top of me and sticking his tongue in my mouth…yes I kissed him back. He was the cute college guy I had just talked too… I figured he just wanted to make out a little and then be on his way.
I was in no state to fight him but, I knew I should get myself out of this situation… so as quickly as my inebriated mind could think I tried to move out from underneath him… there was something about the way he was holding me and touching me that terrified me. I felt power and aggression behind his grip, it was unlike anything I have ever felt before.
I was able to slide out from underneath him.
At this time my body was pumping with adrenaline. No matter how many times you sit alone and think to yourself about …
“what happens if a guy tries to rape me, I will stab him in his eyes or kick him in his balls”
… nothing can really prepare you for the moment when it actually happens. All I can do now is be confident in the choice I made how to deal with it as it was happening…
When I slid out from underneath him I figured if I could get out of the tub, I should right away, so I tried. I stood up and reached for the side of the tub. That’s when he grab my wrist tightly and said
“I am not done with you” …
I landed in the water and he pushed me up onto one of the seats in the hot tub…. A million things ran through my head. Stupid thing and serious things.
* is this really happening?
* I am so embarrassed
* do I scream
* is he going to rape me
* why did he grab me so hard
* my back hurts (from hitting the tub so hard)
*why did I wear a string bikini?
* where is everyone else?
* is this going to happen right now?
It all felt like a dream as it was happening, I felt like I wasn’t even myself … that doesn’t even makes sense but, that’s how I felt.
I can not express his grip and force he had… it was the most terrifying feeling.
So now I was thinking well “if I just listen to him and comply he wont hurt me.” Because at this point I wasn’t sure what was going to happen… I told him that I shouldn’t be doing this and he grab me like a rag doll and sat me on top of him.
I never buy string bikinis anymore.
I don’t even know when he took his bottoms off but they were off. And that when it began. Yes at first it hurt. It wasn’t my first time having sex but it was in water and it was very uncomfortable. Before I knew it I was numb, I was too scared too feel anything at this point.
He was pushing me down on him, it felt like forever but, I think about 5 seconds had passed… It hit me, he has his bottoms off and the chances of him chasing after me weren’t very high so I grabbed my bottoms and tried to jump out of the tub and before I knew it the back of my head slammed into the hot tub.
Things after that are blurry, I know he continued to rape me.
I kept asking him to stop, saying that this shouldn’t be happening.
Then he just backed off me. He never finished. I jumped out and ran in the house.
I dont know why he stoped, he just did. Maybe it hit him what he was doing was wrong or maybe he realized that I was a horrbile person to rape? Maybe he didn’t like white girls… my lame humor is a way of me dealing with this serious sitiaution, id like to think it helps me…I will never know why he stopped but, i was so happy that he did.
I ran into Travis room and Travis was fucking Lindsay. I was scared and pissed . I was crying I just shut the door and sat there in the dark room and Travis tried to get some clothes on. I just kept saying …
“I told him no. I told him no” and before I knew it Travis was in his living room shoving the blonde haired guy out of his house cursing him out… I locked Lindsay and myself in Travis room and we laid in the bed she was just having sex in 10 seconds early.
She was half naked but I didn’t care, I felt safe.
I drove us home that night, drunker than drunk, about 20 mins later.
I ended up telling my sister what happened, it killed her. She kept saying it was her fault that she wasn’t with me that night. Telling my sister was the best choice though… I will never tell my parents, it would hurt my mother and father so much… it would haunt my father until he dies, him just knowing that his baby girl was raped would devastate him. My father doesn’t deserve to feel that way, nor does my mother.
I never go anywhere without a plan and a backup plan… I think that was one of the results of being taken advantage of.
If I had to tell people something it would be to not make rape jokes… because if a person is around you that has raped you it takes them back to that very moment when they didn’t have control and it hurts so bad.
Anyways, I never pressed charges. The only thing that I had to show from that night was 1 large bump on the back of my head, 3 large bruises on my back, a sore vag, and a couple scratches on my lower back. I wanted it to just go away, and I disappointed my sister so much when I said that I didn’t want to press charges but I knew if I did that it would’ve dragged on for far too long and my parents could’ve found out.
I realize now that I should have pressed charges because he could be doing this to another woman somewhere out there… Sometimes I hope he is haunted by that night and he feels guilt drowning his heart but, then I give it up to my Lord because I am not capable of harboring such horrible thought without hem affecting me mentally…
I did seek our counseling but I never went through with it, my sister was the best counselor I could’ve ever asked for. I could just go lay in bed with her and cry, no questions asked… she would just hold me.
So that’s it. I am a woman who has accomplished many things in life and being raped was just an unfortunate event… well that is what I tell myself anyways. With age I have gained wisdom but, I do take greater appreciation in life ever since that happened. And honestly I don’t know how I would be today as a person if I wasn’t raped but, I very very happy where I am in life right now so I wouldn’t want to change anything.
Life goes on. When life gets too tough and I don’t think I can handle it I tell myself that it could always be worse… I buck up and live life to its fullest because I can. Nothing can stop me from accomplishing what I want in life, and the same goes for all you beautiful women who are reading this!
We are biologically and chemically destined to care even when we wish we didn’t, love even if we don’t want to, and give even if it mean we don’t receive anything in return. We are not defined by what we have done or what has happened to us, we are set free by all the trials we have over come. To be defined means there is boarders of what is and what isn’t… Living a life that is always defined seems to me to be a life that is not spontaneous and dull. I am a woman, a woman who cannot be defined. I am apart if a womanhood that is so beautiful and strong. Stay beautiful <3
That Blind Man Stole the Light From My Eyes.
Someone told me lately that I have become bitter and that I have lost that light in my eyes…. This comment really got me thinking back to old times and why this person think I have become bitter and have lost my light. I dont think I am have become completley bitter and I dont think I have lost all my light. Am I different than was 5 years ago? Yes. Who isnt though?
Life changes all of us. Things happen that sometimes we cant control. Things happen that we dont expect and they change the course of our lives and the direction of our souls. Those things are eventually what makes us who we are.
I admit I dont have a spark like I used to. This acutally breaks my heart. From the time I can remember I was a dreamer. I always had a really big imagination and from the start I felt like I was going to be something big. I remember playing at my grandmas by myself, I didnt need anyone else to have fun with or entertain me. I was pretty good at doing that by myself… Anyways I remember wanting to be an actress so bad. I thought I had what it took and sometimes I still do think that. I would have been great at theater. I am pretty dramatic sometimes to say the least. I would pretend I was on this big stage and Id sing and dance and prance around. I thought I was going to be something big.
Even as I got older I had these big dreams of being a journalist. I wanted to write opinion colums and then those dreams were shot down because of one comment someone said. I am not a great at spelling or grammer but I love to write. I have now finally over come what people think about my writing and just started writing and it turns out there is a lot of people who enjoy it.
I used to have this innocents for life. I guess it was being naive, but apart of me misses that. Thinking that all people are good and that things are wonderful. Having this determination to conquer the world.
Me becoming bitter though something that I struggle facing. I dont want to be bitter by any means but sometimes after so many times of being used and put down and hurt it becomes hard to not be bitter. I realize what has happened to me is not an excuse to become bitter but my own feelings got away from me so quickly. I became angry.
I am not bitter of all things. If I am really honest with myself I am bitter about men and maybe even love itself. I dont mean love between people. I want to make this clear that I love everybody but when it comes to that romantic lovey dovey stuff I have a really hard time trying to believe in it again.
Once upon a time. I was a hopeless romantic. I believed there is one person and one person only for you. I believed in this crazy, emotional, physical, love each other so much you cant live without one another kind of love. I guess like the ones you see in movies. I believed in the Jack and Rose kind of love or Allie and Noah and even Romeo and Juilet love.
I have loved like that but its hard to have this love story when your the only one in it. I have only ever been in love with 3 people in my life. I still love all 3 of them too. Was that love that I had for those people ever returned? Not in the end. Actually not really through them. I was made to be a joke I feel sometimes.
After my last failed relationship/marriage I just became so angry because I was so sick and tired of loving someone with every inch of my being. I was pissed that I let myself ever become so vunerable. I let someone into my life again who took everything out of me that I had and stepped all over my heart. How could he? I could never do that to anyone I loved because people who ” love” each other dont try to hurt each other.
At first I would see couples walking around and being in love and I was become so sad and think why not me? Why cant this ever happen to me? I still do it sometimes. I used to get so fustrated that I ened up with these horrible men and was used by them. Dont I deserve a good guy? Someone who thinks the sun shines out of my ass? I think so. Ive laid there in bed and cried because theres this person that I imagine to be my soul mate that I dont even know yet and as crazy as it is I miss him and pray to just soon find him because I was so done with being alone.
I am really working on trying not to be bitter. I have come to the realization that I am young. My soul mate is out there and Id like to think Gods just writing my perfect love story. I know eventually I will look back and Ill forget I ever felt the way I do.
As for my light being gone. Its not gone. Its still there I just need to find it again and I eventually will. Just because something was taken from me doesnt mean I wont get it back. I am one determined lady. I refuse to let my past control me. I am human. I make mistakes, I grow, I learn, and I will prosper.
Stay Beautiful Always everyone, I know I will be.
Jen
I Thought That He Walked on Water
Well tonight at work one of my favorite residents passed away. I am so honored to have known her while I did. She was one of the many of joys of why I enjoyed my job. She had the most beautiful smiles and a kind soul. I will miss her dearly and Ill never forget her as long as I live. Rest in Peace my sweet sweet betty.
While at work tonight thinking about what had happened I had a dose of reality with how short life is. I thought about Bettys husband and how he was going to make it. They had been married for 68 years. Thats an accoplishment. Thats something that doesnt happen anymore and if it does its almost a mircle.
I started thinking about my grandpa as well and how it seems like just yesterday he was here. He’s actually been on my mind a lot lately and I’ve been missing him. So I want to tell you about my great grandfather and how he changed my life.
Everyone used to call him Toad and I guess he got the nickname from my mother because when she was born and he would call her Toad but instead that became his nickname. He was a hard working man. He had a ranch of 60 acres and working on it was his life and it was a life he loved. He was a man of simple things and simple pleasures. He was soft spoken but when he got mad Lord help whoever he was mad at. He was gentle and warm.
All of my best childhood memories are with him and my great grandmother. I lived a good portion of my life with them and they took care of me like I was their own child. There was no where in the world that I would have rather been growing up. When someone asks me where my favorite place in the world is, its my great grandparents house. It was my safe zone and the place where I felt the most loved.
From the time I was brought home Toad and I had a special bond. My mom has told me stories about him baby sitting me when I was 2 and when her and my grandma had come back he had duck taped and roped me to his chair because he couldnt keep up with me. I dont remember this but I cant see him doing it and it makes me smile.
What I do remember are things like him putting me in the wheel barrel with the three legged cat Skruffy and wheeling us around. I remember going fishing and having to sit on the steps aftwards so he could get my picture with me and my fish and my tackel box. He was always so proud and wanted to get those moments captured. When I lived there I slept right in the middle of my great grandparents and I did this up until the time he died so I was like 13. Embrassing a little but thats where I felt most safe. We would wake up early in the moring and he would make a pot of coffee and he’d always give me some. He’d put more cream and sugar in it than coffee but he wanted me to feel like I was doing what he was doing. I still drink my coffee that way to this day.
We would go out in the back of the property early in the morning and we would pack a lunch and be gone till almost two. I’d “help” him fix fences and cut trees. After that we would come home and he would pull out this old army tarp he had and he’d lay it under the tree on lawn. He’d always tell me its time for a siesta! So we would take a nap and after about an hour or maybe an hour and a half we would get up and head to the barn in this old beat up orange Ford. He taught me how to ” drive” in that thing. It was more of me sitting in his lap with my hands on the wheel while he drove but I thought it was the greatest thing ever. He would load the hay up from the bar while I played on top of the haystack and then I’d sit in the back of the truck while we went to feed to cows. He always had me yell ” COME BOSS!” When we would go feed them. Its how the cows knew it was feeding time. The cows would follow the truck and my job was to throw hay off so they could eat it.
When supper came around we always hand to wash out hands and face. He used to let me comb his hair into which ever way I wanted if I brushed his dentures for him. I did and everytime I have to brush someones dentures at work and laugh and I miss him. Every night after supper we would head on into the living room and we watched Happy Days together and The Andy Giffith Show. He would just laugh and laugh.
I spent a lot of time with this man and he was my favorite person. He was my hero I thought that he walked on water. I have things that I regret though that I wish I could have done over again with him. Especially as I got older. I wish I would have spent more time with him. I feel that even though I spent a lot of time with him it wasnt enough. I remember arguing with him about walking down the road by myself to a friends house and not telling him. He was right and I was wrong. I shouldnt have argued.
There is one time that sticks out most in my head about something that I wish I could take back. I was about 11 and he would pick us up across the street from the school bus. He would always hold our hands and walk us across and this time everyone on the bus was watching and when he went to grab my hand I jerked it out of his hand and ran across the street. If I could go back now I would have held his hand all the way home. I wouldnt be embrassed and I would have taken in every bit of that walk. I would have memoried his hand and the way it felt wrapped around my little hand and I would have been proud that my grandpa loved me enough to keep me safe and want to hold my hand.
There are so many different things that we did together and moments that shaped me into who I am. The reason I am so loving and kind is because thats what kind of people my great grandparents were. We always had fun together and he was always teaching me new things. He taught me how to ride and mountian bike , with him riding it first and I can remember crying telling my grandma I was scared he was going to fall. I was always worried about him getting hurt over me getting hurt. He bought me a pair of roller skates and I didn’t know how so he tied a piece of rope from one side of the back yard to the other so I could hold onto it and skate. He taught me the best way to eat a tomoatoe is right off the vine and he taught me how to ride a horse.
Toad couldn’t swim and whenever we would go fishing or walk across the canal in the back property I would hold and squeeze his hand so tight to make sure if he fell I’d save him. Which I probably wouldnt have been able to considering how small and young I was. I remember this one time me coming home from school and he had the flu and I was so distraught and scared that he was going to die. I went outside and hid in the field. My grandma came and found me and brought me in for him to tell me he just had the flu and he would be alright.
I was so attached to this man and so afraid of loosing him. He was the only steady male figure in my life even to this day. I have one biological father and two step dads but I consider Toad to be my father. He is the man who raised me who taught me the most and who loved me through anything and even though Ive made mistakes up till now I know he’d still love me with out quesiton.
He was the glue that held our family together and nothing has been the same since he’s been gone.
He had a stroke on Feburary 15 2002 and I knew something was wrong even before we got a phone call. I could feel it in my stomach. It was twisted with knots and was making me sick. When I saw him again for the first time after it he didn’t even recogize me and even after he came home he still would get confused on who I was. When he was in the rehab before he came home I could barely go and see him. I hated seeing my grandpa that way. I was angry and I wanted him back to the way he was.
He ended up coming home for 18 months. He wasnt the same but every once and awhile you would catch a glimpes into who he was before. His love for my grandmother grew stronger and came out more and that was really cool to see. He lived with my grandma and everyday he would walk across the field that my grandmother and great grandmother shared. Hed spend the day with her and I am really glad looking back they got that time together and even the rest of us got that time with him.
I had come home from school one day and my mom told me we had to go to the hospital to say goodbye to him. He had been taken the night before and he didnt have much time left. I didn’t want to go. If I didn’t go then it couldn’t be happening. If I didn’t see him then he wasn’t dying. I hope that makes sense. The car ride there I was beside myself and when we got into the hospital I sat outside his room and cried while everyone else went in. I sat there and remember every good time we ever had. I realized I wasn’t getting to have anymore of those times with him. I was angry because I felt like I hadn’t had enough time with him. I thought ” How can you say goodbye to someone who has always been around? Who has been your best friend and your father? How do I say goodbye?
Eventually my great grandma came out and sat next to me on the floor and held me and told me that I really needed to go say goodbye because if I didn’t I’d regret it for the rest of my life. She picked me up and held my hand as we walked in through the room. He smiled as we walked in and watched me as I walked up next to his bed. He grabbed my hand and kept smiling. While he was smiling I couldnt stop crying. He looked at me and said ” I love you” and all I could say back was ” I love you too.”
Right after that we left. Those were the last words I spoke to Toad and I can forever be at peace with that. The next day there was a phone call early and while my mom was on the phone I knew what the phone call was about so I ran to the bus stop as fast as I could because if she didn’t tell me it wasn’t true and nothing happened. From the bus stop to school I had shoved the thought of Toad being passing away into the back of my mind. As soon as I got to school my best friend ran up to me and was hugging me. ( her mom worked for the funeral home btw) She kept saying “I am sorry are okay?” I told her “ya I am fine why wouldnt I be?” Then she told me that Toad had passed away. I remember loosing my breath. Like someone punched me in the gut as hard as they could.
Truthfully the rest is a haze. I have no clue what happened after that moment. The rest of the day has been earsed from my memory.
It’s been a ruff road without him. I miss him every day of my life and I think about him all the time. I wish he was here. I can still hear his voice on certain occassions and situations. He’s the voice inside my head a lot of the time. When I need to talk to him he’s not very far away so I take a short drive or walk to go and vent. I think he leaves me little clues to show me he is still around. Like I said I thought that he walked on water.
In memory of Louis Alfred Fraguero
Jen
Better left as memories
Hey everyone just wanted to apologize again for not writing in awhile. Life has been a roller coaster since I have left Missouri and Ive wanted to kinda share whats been going on since I left.
Ive learned even more about myself since I left. I thought when I left I had it all figured out. I felt great. I was confindent in myself and even more strong willed than I already was. Ive had quite a few good life lessons starting from the day I got back.
To start off with I had met someone when I had come out to visit in June and I had some of the best times in my life that week. Not just with him but my old friends too. I missed them terribly and my family as well. I was so excited to get back and do all of that all over again all the time but I should have known better.
The guy I was talking to well…. that fell threw and once again I caught myself in a world of hurt and once again the sting of regection stung hard. It was nothing more than a fling but that fling had turned my entire world upside down for the soul fact that before I met this guy I was happy with just being me. I had finally come to the point where I was happy being alone and single. Then he came into my life suddenly without warning. I had a lot of fun with him and I was convienced I had finally found a ” good guy” but as soon as I let those words roll off my tounge my world had been flattened like a tornado with gusts of 190 mph had blown it down.
I’ve picked myself back up from that diaster and moved on to the next.
I ended up seeing Jake for about two days and I am here to tell you all he was doing the same thing he was doing a year and a half ago when I left him. He told me weeks before how he had changed and how he loved me and the same old song and dance he always sings and dances too. When I saw him it just wasnt even the same feeling. In my eyes he had just become another person that I once knew. All he wanted to do the day I saw him was get drunk and thats exactly what he did. I wanted it to be a sobering experience and for me it was. We spoke one time after that and we fought because I just can’t even have him as my friend anymore. I dont want to see someone I once loved still sick with addiction. I dont know where he is and I don’t care too.
Next on my list was seeing Andrew again for the first time in 4 years. We had agreed to meet and be civil. I brought my sister along with me just in case anything was to happen. We had a nice talk. It was finally I think closure him and I both needed. We talked for about 3 hours. Everything from the time we stopped talking until now. Our conversation flowed like we never did stop talking and there were not harsh words and no hatred left to show. Apart of me seeing him and becoming a better person was that I needed to see him. I needed to forgive him but just because I have forgiven doesnt mean I will ever forget. I had so much built up anger which is normal to have considering the hell I went through with this man but I finally learned to just let it go. I cant change what happened but I can learn from it, which I already have.
I learned who my friends are here and who arent my friends. The people who I thought would be my friends for a lifetime probably wont be and the people I have least expected to stand by my side have. I am so greatful for that. I am blessed with many wonderful people in my life.
Something really cool also happened to me. I didnt talk to my aunt for close to 3 years and at one time that girl was one of my closest best friends. We know have made up and have spent a bunch of much needed time together. I had missed those days and I had missed her so much it had hurt. I have her back now and I am greatful I get a second chance to make things right and be a better niece and a better friend.
I know this is a bit short but I need to really be thinking about my next blog entry. I know what I want to do it about but I need to start pieceing it all out in my head before hand. So I hope I still have your guys support and I hope you all are looking forward to more to come from me.
I also would like to get my followers involved. If you have a story that you would like to share please let me know Id love to hear and Id love to get it up here to help out others and you dont have to state your name. I would just love some encouraging things for this blog. More triumps and overcomed struggles from others.
All in all I learned these past few months that some things are better left in the past. They are better as just memories. Some things arent as good as they seem and never get to ahead of yourself. Just keep on loving you, just the way you are. Dont let people get you down. You are amazing.
Well Keep on Staying Beautiful ladies because I know I will
Thanks
Jen
Boy am I glad to see you
I wrote on my facebook last night that I had a life changing experience and I was going to write about it, well here is my story.
Last night I went out for a friends 22 birthday party. The first part of the night I saw people I haven’t seen in years. We began to remicing on old times. We laughed and went back into a place in time where things were much simpler and safe. It took me back to childhood and made me remember things I had stored into the far regions for my mind. It made me cherish my childhood and the friends who were apart of it. We talked about whats happened since we all last saw each other and drank to our futures. They talked about their husbands and children and I wished one day I could be having the same conversation with them when I have children.
From the moment I showed up at the birthday gathering I was bound and detreminded like every 22 year old that I was going to drink my face off and have a great time and try not to remember my daily stuggles. This was easy considering I was in good company with people I love.
Somewhere in the midists of the drinking and time traveling I started to feel really insecure about myself. I stepped outside for a minute to make some drunk calls that thank God didn’t go through. God had a bigger plan for me later that night.
Some how I ended up across the street at another bar that I knew no one in. I sat there and stared at the young croud maybe only knowing one girl who I know of. We never had spoken, she is a few years older than I am. Soon my friends came to save me after having a drink there and we went back across the street to the bar we were originally at.
5 of us stood outside for about 20 minutes talking about how I got suspended in high school for punching my ex boyfriend in the face and how epic it was. Made me feel pretty good about myself and gave me a good boost to my ego. I was on top of the world thinking I was a bad ass to say the least. I went back to feeling like I was invinceable.
Me and Britt walked back in the bar to use to restroom and grab another drink. I had lost track of all time and to be honest time didn’t matter to me at that point. I sat down at the bar and Britt joined me. We ordered two beers and all the sudden to my left an old man walked up to me. I thought ” Great another old man trying to hit on me!”
This was actually not the case at all. He came up and said ” Hello what is your name name?” I told him my name and he said it was a beautiful name. I made some stupid joke about Forrest Gump and being called Jenny. I thought it was funnier than he did. I asked him his name, and in a strong proud manner he said ” Sam”
I told him how nice it was to meet him. Then he looked at me with his old and tired eyes and said ” You are 22 and a half and your friend over there shes 21 and a half.” I laughed and said ” Wow that exactly how old we are. How did you know that?” He smiled and said ” I am old I know a thing or two. I’ve been around for a while.”
He looked back and at me and gazed me over and asked what ethnicity I was. I told him I was Portuguese and he said ” Ah I should have known. You have beautiful skin and radiant eyes, just like Ramona had.”
Then he told me how he had been in true love 3 times inhis life and Ramona was his first. He said ” I was 21 when I met her. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She was lovely in every way. The moment I realized I loved her was when one morning I woke up and I looked over and she was just laying there looking at me. Her smile got real big and she said ” Boy am I sure glad to see you.” He described to me the amount of joy and total love he felt at that exact moment.
He asked me if I had ever had someone be so glad to just see me wake up? I told him no, sadly I never have. He said ” Sweet heart thats what love is all about. Someone being glad to just see you wake up everyday.” He told me thats what I need to be looking for. Someone that is glad to see me wake up and would do anything just to make me smile. He told me it wasn’t about the sex it’s its about the utter joy someone gets from just being around you.
He also went into detail about how a man should treat a woman. He told me ” If a man just wants to take you to bed he isn’t a real man. A real man wants to take you to the movies, fishing, and out to dinner. A real man wants to show you off the world and say world she is mine!”
I couldn’t help to smile and I listened to every word he said. I listened carefully because I didn’t want to miss a single word he spoke. I felt this man was wise and he was here to teach me a lesson so I better listen. He looked at me again while I sipped on my beer and said ” You know all those men who have done you wrong? The men who broke your heart? One day they will regret it. I let Ramona go.” Sam looked down and took another drink of his Jack and Coke. I asked him quitely ” Do you regret letting her go?” He put his drink down and looked at me with teared filled eyes and said ” Every damn day of my life. I have regreted it every single day.”
He then proceeded to tell me about the second love of his life Cindy. He told me when he was 27 he met this girl named Cindy. He described her as if he just saw her earlier that day. Such vivid details about her long blonde wavy hair and her curvy body and her piercing blue eyes. Sam said ” I thought I had finally found the one. She was fun and exciting and her mind was beautiful. I loved Cindy. One day when I was at work I got a phone call from Cindy telling me she had breast cancer. Everything changed in the matter or one second. My whole world had been flipped upside down. It took my breath away. The guys I was working with kept asking me if I was going to be into work tomorrow and I was so speachless and hurt I couldn’t answer until the 14th time of asking me. I finally snapped and yelled no I won’t be into work tomorrow and if you fucking ask me again I’ll burn down this whole fucking house you all have spend so long trying to build. My girlfriend was dying and I couldn’t do a fucking thing about it. Cindy died eventually of breast cancer and my heart broke.”
He smiled to himself like he was lost in another place. I imagined he was lost in Cindys blues eyes or maybe she was wrapped up in his once strong arms where she was safe. He then looked at me and said ” I know what your problem is.” I laughed and was amused by this. Thinking this man has no clue who the hell I am, how could he possibly know what my problem is. At this exact moment he looked at me and squinted his face becoming more wrinkled then it already was, he looked into my soul and he saw through all my bullshit. ” You have low selfesteem…” Same said. His words lingered in the air for a moment and I laughed and told him he didn’t know me. He then said ” If you didn’t have low selfesteem you’d have a boyfriend sitting right next you to. You probably wouldn’t even be here talking to an old man. You are a beautiful girl like I said before but you let men walk on you and treat you bad and after so many times of that you loose yourself and think less of yourself and that is where you are at.”
I was completely blown away and taken back because this man just read me like a book. He pin pointed all my insecurties that I think I hide well. He knew it all. It was almost like someone punching me in the chest. Throwing all my hidden secrets about myself right back at me. It needed to be done. This man was soft and gentle with his words. It was not meant out of hurt but out to be understood. To think an hour before that I was making calls to who ever wanting someone to care about me for all the wrong reasons. I believe that certain things happen for certain reasons. I believe in fate. This old wise man was sent to me because this was something I needed to hear. Not only was I feeling like complete shit about myself that night and was stooping into trying to do something Id regret the last week I have been bitter. I walked around angry saying I didn’t believe in love, which is not true I just get so down on my past that shut down and get angry. That is something I need to work on.
I soaked in all in and told him he was right. Everything he just said about me was right. He said ” I know it is. Don’t become angry because things haven’t gone your way. They will soon enough darling.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes and took it all in like when you take in air for the first time after being under water swimming for as long as you can stay under there. He then smiled at me and Sam said ” Do you want to hear about my third true love?” I told him yes of course I did. He said ” My son David, he is my third true love. The day he was born was the best day of my life. The first time I saw him and the doctors handed him to me I cried and said boy am I glad to see you.”
Right after his story about his son David the bar tender came around and told every one it was closing time. We looked at one another and laughed because we both knew we needed this. I needed to be told this and he needed someone to listen.
We went to say our goodbyes and he said ” It was really nice to meet your Jennifer.” I smiled back at him and said ” Boy it was really good to meet you Sam.” That last smile he gave me lit up the whole room and I knew by my last words to him I made his night. Hopefull his whole week.
I have never had something like that happen to me before. I feel that maybe Sam was an angel who came to save me and restore faith in the male species again. He came to show me that love is real and taught be what love should be all about. It all about being so glad to see someone just wake up in the morning and alive and in their lives. Its not about sex its about making someone smile.
I hope that Sam remembers last night like I do because what Sam told impacted me and I hope Sam impacted one of you who are reading this.
Part 5
Jake part 5:
The day after the actual break up I went to Brittney’s wedding and was a damn mess. I was really happy for her but while my marriage had failed I got to see her step into marriage. I was jealous and heart broken. When we got to the reception there was music playing and I sat down listening and watching people walk around and converse. Then this country song came on and it was “I will wait for you” I had to leave because I really didn’t want to be crying in front of everyone. Brittney’s mother in law followed me out and hugged me and asked me if I was alright. Then she handed me the keys to her car and told me there was a cigarette in there with my name on. It was really nice of her.
As a result of this I had my first anxiety attack, which was completely awful. I thought I was dying and I was in the car on the way to work when it happened. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and that everything around me was a blur and not real. I felt my chest like tightening and felt like at any moment I could pass out. When I got to work I pulled my co worker aside telling her what was happening to me. She sat me down and just talked to me and it eventually stopped. It scared me.
I have learned to control my anxiety now and it doesn’t happen as often anymore but certain people and certain things trigger it. Anxiety also runs in my family.
I avoided his work place at all costs. I would sit outside in the morning waiting to go into work and I would look across the shopping center and see him outside . It made me sick. I had this one girl come in from his work who I kind of knew and she was like “I am sorry about Jacob. He was so heartbroken when you broke up with him. He moped around forever about it.” I set her straight after that statement. I wasn’t going to be blamed for “Breaking his heart” When it was clear he’s the one who broke mine. She told me that 2 days after he left he started living with his girl from his work. The same girl that he wouldn’t stop talking about and had gone to her house and she was so nice to me it was pathetic. My heart shriveled up and stopped beating I am certain of it.
I went about trying to live my life and readjust to him being gone. I went out and cut my hair and dyed it and I got a new cell phone that I wasn’t allowed to have with him around. This is also where I started a habit that I will write more in depth about later but one night I ended up buying two bottles of wine after work and was determined to feel good if it was the last thing I did. I drank both bottles. Then the next thing I remember is being in a truck with one of my guy friends and being like “Oh great this just happened. Oh no” This is where I started just wanting to someone to love me and pay attention to me and anyone would have done. I was so lonely and hurt but then again sex doesn’t equal love I was just too much of a fool to see that at the time and almost a year to follow. Don’t get me wrong this guy was a nice guy and he really did like me but I was emotionally unavailable plus I knew he we would never work out. We were different people. He and I are still friends though. Which is nice because I don’t deserve his friendship after how I did him wrong but that’s another story for another post.
I had gotten divorce papers and I needed Jake to sign them and I needed to make sure he was just going to sign them because I had decided I was moving back to Missouri. I couldn’t stand to be in the same general area as him. I was afraid Id see him and I couldn’t take that. I wrote him on Facebook and told him that I needed him to sign those papers because of what I was planning. He wrote me back with told me how sorry he was and how much he missed me and took me for grantee. He sent me songs and told me I haunted him. He even wrote me a poem which I heard later he sent the same poem to a bunch of different girls he was messing around with from his work but hey he did tell me that he originally wrote it for me. (That is me being super sarcastic him saying that really pissed me off)
I told him I couldn’t listen to him anymore about how much he missed me because I made up my mind and can’t do it. He then told me he wouldn’t sign the divorce papers unless he saw me. I told him I didn’t want to see him because when I would leave it would be like loosing him all over again. He then told me that “well looks like you’re not getting married anytime in the future because I am refusing to sign those papers.” So I finally agreed to meet up with him the next day to have him sign them.
He moved in with two guys who he also worked with because apparently the girl he was messing around with in the beginning was a lesbian. So he moved because her new girlfriend really didn’t want him around. When I got to their apartment complex he wasn’t home so I waited for awhile on the steps. When he pulled up and got out of the car he looked terrible. His eyes were dark and there were bags and within a month he had lost a good 15 pounds. My eyes watered and started to swell. I knew he wasn’t doing well.
Something about Jake is that by the way he looks you can tell what his life is like. He just looked so bad. Worst I have ever seen him. We went up to the apartment and that apartment was disgusting, Dishes everywhere, cigarette butts all over the floor and stains and to top it off it smelled something gross. He sat down on the couch and I just stood in place, I was afraid to touch anything. He talked me into sitting next to him and I was seriously up on the armrest because I didn’t want to touch him and I couldn’t even look at him. He sensed it was killing me. He cracked jokes about who’s getting what in the divorce; I really didn’t think he was funny at all. He signed the papers and handed them back to me and asked if we could go outside and talk.
We sat outside for two hours just talking about what’s happened in the last month. He told me he hadn’t been seeing anyone or doing anything with anyone because he was just so emotionally heartbroken over what happened he couldn’t do it. He told me that the girls he was talking to though were crazy and made me look like an angel. I told him the truth about what I did. I really didn’t believe that he hadn’t been with any girls but I thought maybe I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean we weren’t together he would technically do whatever he wanted.
I eventually had to go so we walked in the house and as I am walking through the living room him behind me he pulls my arm and turns me around and started kissing me. Of course I kissed him back I loved him. I wanted him and I convinced myself I needed him. We kissed all the way into the bathroom and he picked me up and put me on the counter and clothes started coming off. Next thing I knew we were on the floor having sex and it was emotional sex, well for me it was at least and he treated it like it was maybe that was for my own benefit. He whispered in my ear softly “I’ve missed this. I’ve missed you.”
After it was over with I tried my best not to just mentally fall apart in front of him. He walked me out to the truck because I had to go I couldn’t stay because of my own problems. He walked me to the car and I did start to cry and I looked at him and said “This is for the best right? Tell me this is for the best. He smiled and said “Ya know we can tell yourselves that all we want and hopefully someday we will start to believe it.” I started up the truck and as I drove off we stared at each other through the mirror.
I cried all the way home and I talked to myself like a mad woman repeating over and over he’s an asshole. I went home and took a nap and woke up that night to a phone call from Jake begging me to come pick him up because something happened at the house and he didn’t want to be there anymore. I went a picked him up and I fed him because he hadn’t eaten in 2 days and I would never let him go hungry. We sat in a parking lot just talking and he called me babe and I just quickly told him we can ignore that ever happened. I ended up taking him home and he ended up getting kick out of that house for some reason so he went to his sisters and we talked and I was still completely and absolutely still in love with him. I didn’t want anyone else and I couldn’t imagine myself without him. The month I was without him was the hardest month ever. I hated every second of it.
I went home and slept because I couldn’t face reality any longer so what better way do deal with stuff but with sleep? I woke up the next morning feeling like I needed to tell Jake how I felt. He was going to go to jail that day to turn himself in for a warrant that we found out when he got there he didn’t have so I had to catch him before he left. I got ready and booked my ass over to his sister’s house. I woke him up and asked him if we could talk. We grabbed some coffee and went outside. I spilled my heart out to him about still loving him and missing him and that I didn’t care about the shit that he did for the past month or that he was a douche bag to me. He told me he stilled loved me and he missed me and that he wanted to make it work but he didn’t want to get in my way of not going to Missouri. I told him I didn’t even care about moving there at this point. I wanted to be with him. So we made up and were back together.
We ended up that night staying the night at Brittney’s and things were a little weird between us, but the next morning we went out for breakfast and I did something odd and told him not to judge me and he said “ Why would I judge you? You’re my wife I love you for who you are.” I smiled the biggest smile ever and fell right back in love.
We had no where to go none of our parents wanted anything to do with us. I went to my parents house to get my stuff and as I was leaving my sister was in the living room and I turned around and told her I love her and she said “ I don’t love you.” I started to tear up and said “Well that’s fine but I love you and no matter what you do or where you go or who you’re with I will always love you, you’re my sister.” I ran to Jake as fast as I could crying because what she said hurt so bad, especially because it was coming from her saying it. I love my sister. She is my pride and joy. Jake held me and just told me she didn’t mean it, she was just angry and one day she wont be angry with me anymore. So we called one of his other sisters and she told us we could stay with her. So we packed up all our stuff and to her house we went. This was an interesting experience to say the least but it’s an experience that changed my life forever.
I knew his sister was crazy. I loved her craziness though; she was fun to be around and inspiring. I was just exhausted when we got there and I was like that for a good couple of weeks. I didn’t get the chance to because I had to learn the first steps in becoming an adult. She laid down the core steps of growing up for me. She taught me how to cook in a sink or swim fashion. She told me well you’re cooking dinner and I told her I had no idea how to and she said “Well you’ll figure it out and if you don’t, then it’s on your for us starving tonight.” So I figured it out and I eventually got it down and I can now cook meals! Ya FOR JENNIFER!
Most of the time Jake and I were fighting and not enjoying each others company at all. He was actually just an asshole the whole time we were there. He had me in tears a lot over stupid stuff I was just so depressed I couldn’t stand it. My parents wouldn’t talk to me and either would my sister. My mom would call just to start fights with me about the whole situation.
I felt alone in the world. I loved my family and I missed them. I just wanted them to accept what I was doing, even though I knew why they didn’t. I worried a lot and its hard for me to even remember the frame of mind I was in. All I knew is that I was miserable with myself. I am sure I wasn’t easy to get along with. I was very short and kind of a stuck up person. I was battling my own demons inside and I didn’t know how to let them out. I didn’t want to tell anyone how I was feeling.
We had nothing. We couldn’t afford anything and what money we did have was mine but that quickly ran out. His sister fed us and helped us here and there same with his parents and grandparents. Jobs were tough to find up there especially in February. It’s a tourist town there was no work. So we had to do what we had to do. We went down and got on food stamps. It was very hard for me. Not because I don’t believe in the purpose of them but because I’ve never had to do such a thing.
One time I did also have to go to get commodities in the middle of a snow storm. We lived on a hill and my truck would randomly die anyways and there was snow we could slide right off the road. I wasn’t used to driving in snow. So it was early and I asked Jake to please take me so we could go get them then go to the grocery store for other food we needed. He refused to take me. He wanted to sleep. So I had to call up the neighbor kid who weirdly was in love with me. I knew him form college and we didn’t talk then but he sure knew who I was. So he took me and helped me out. It was really nice of him.
Really quick a funny little story about that day and him being in love with me and how dang weird it was, was that he did this.
Alright so after that grocery trip we took I couldn’t find my purse anywhere and I had sworn I brought it in the house to eventually when Jake woke up I asked him to go see if this guy had my purse so he went up there to find my whole purse dumped out with this guy looking through it. Yaaaaaa…..weird
There were more weird times with that guy. The way he would talk to Jake about me or how he would talk to me in front of Jake was just off.
We managed and don’t get me wrong through all the really hard times I also had a lot of good times with his family. I fell in love with his nieces and nephew and I looked up to his sister. They were good to me. They taught me a lot.
As time went on we just started to hate each other more and more and we fought more and more. We fought about money and our truck and what we were going to do in general with our lives. We became very snide and hurtful to one another. I had my fair share of moments where I wasn’t very nice and said things to just hurt him. I was hurting so I wanted him to hurt right along with me, and that wasn’t right. I admit my faults. I am not perfect.
I wrote a blog about weight in the very beginning and how what he said planted a seed in my head about what I look like. After that fight things finally started to get better for us. We started talking a little bit more and attempting to communicate better. This made me extremely happy.
One night he woke me up in the middle of the night and was going off about something about praying and something had come to him while he was praying. He sat me down and explained to me about this study he came up with and wanted to do with me. It was pretty cool I must say and I was excited because it was something we were going to do together. We got a chance to learn from one another and grow together through Christ.
After we talked about that he also told me that he felt like he needed to go back to Visalia and try to make it there and he would send for me as soon as he could. Him telling me this made my heart stop. I was angry and hurt he even wanted to go back and to go back without me. To just leave me again. When he talked about it he sounded determined and sure this was what he really wanted. So I told him I supported him and he should go. I didn’t want him to at all. I was being selfish once again, which I thought I had to right to be.
The night before he was leaving I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want him to go but I felt like I couldn’t say that to him. I layed next to him and just watched him sleep. I savored every last second I could because I didn’t know when I would be able to sleep next to him again. I cried and prayed for the morning light not to come.
We got up early and packed his stuff into the truck to drop him off at his parents house so he could catch a ride to meet up with someone who would take him down there. On the way there my heart was in my throat. He told me that our love story isn’t over it was just getting started and not to worry everything will work out. We got out of the truck and I walked around back to hug him and I cried. I knew at that moment it was going to be the last time I saw him. He kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me and he would call me as soon as he could. I got in the truck and left back to his sisters.I didn’t even make it down the dirt road before I lost it because like I said I knew it was the last time I was going to see him. I have no idea how I made it back because I was crying so bad I couldn’t even see the road. I really did not care though if I was to go off the edge or crash. My heart was broken all over again.
He called me twice in the first week he was gone. In the second conversation he told me if he didn’t find a job within a couple of weeks he was coming home because he didn’t want to be away from me that long. I secretly prayed he’d come back to me. He stopped calling after that. Later on he has told me he called all the time but either no one was home or I wasn’t there. He never left a message on the machine and no one ever told me he called. Plus he deleted his Facebook so I couldn’t even talk to him on there. He deleted without even telling me.
I had finally come to a point where I told myself enough was enough and I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it anymore. I was tired of waiting around for something that was never going to change. For something that didn’t exist. I gave myself a date and if he hadn’t called by that date I was done. I was over it.
It was a Friday and that was the date I said enough was enough. I spent the weekend with a co worker and in that time I realized what the hell was I doing? I deserved better than the way I was being treated. So I went back to his sisters house and packed up my stuff as fast as I could. I didn’t say goodbye to her because I knew as soon as I saw her I’d stay. I fell in love with his sister. She became my best friend and like I said she inspired me. Whether she likes to admit it or not she needed me as much as I needed her. We were best friends and became a team. She held me up for along time and gave me the courage to bring out something in me I didn’t think I had. That was self worth. She opened my eyes. We don’t talk and she doesn’t like me which hurts because I still like her and I wish we could still be the way we used to be.
I called my friend from Missouri and told her what I was doing she told me to get to my moms house and just stay there. As soon as I got there I told my mom not to let me out of the house until I was leaving to get on a plane to Missouri. Which I didn’t do because I got mixed up in something that I thought might be real but this is vicious cycle I put myself into for a long time which I will write about later.
I also want to get this cleared up for many readers. I did not cheat on Jake. Him and I were not together when I met someone else. He might not of got this message because I had no way to contact him other than message a friend of his but we were over. I did not cheat.
I admit I felt like a cheater. I was sure that I was going to hell for what I had done by just leaving and breaking things off and finding someone else but we weren’t together. I did not cheat on Jake the whole time that we were together. From the time that he was in rehab to the time he left for Visalia and all the times in between. I loved him to much. I respected him and I know what its like to be cheated on and I would never do that to someone else. I would never do that to him.
I ended up moving to Missouri and I didn’t talk to Jake for months and finally we started talking again. There was anger and hate which I don’t blame him for because there was both of those coming from my way too. We have tried to be friends and we have tried getting back together but we just fight so much. We can hardly ever hold down a conversation without the past getting brought up or things that are happening in our lives now that hurt us.
Jake and I’s down fall is we never could just sit down and talk. We could not communicate to each other. Maybe that’s because we were young and immature or that we really just did not give a shit about what the other had to say or feel. We never really tired to work things out or talk it through like adults.
I will say he did call me today about these posts and he was not happy but I explained to him why I was doing what I was doing and by no means am I out to hurt him or his family. This is not what these blogs are supposed to be about. Its my story and my healing process and I want to help others who have been down the same road.
Today we talked like adults and talked about the things that hurt us the most. It was refreshing. It’s a side to him that I have rarely seen and its the side I enjoy the most about him. I have a lot of respect for him calling me today to talk about the blogs. He handled it well and he told me to finish writing it.
I have learned so much from this whole experience. I learned that sometimes love just isn’t enough. To this day I still love him and I think I always will. He was such a big part of my life and he was my best friend. We had good times too that I will always remember. We were just two young kids trying to play house who had no idea who we were or what we wanted. I sometimes still hurt from what happened and how things happened but for the most part I have forgiven.
I learned how I want to be treated and what I look for in a man. I learned how to have respect for myself and stand up for myself. I don’t let anyone walk all over me anymore and I speak up.
As weird as it is though what I learned the most is how to love. How to love myself and how to love others. He taught me this. He opened my eyes as well. Through all the hurt and the tears and the smiles and laughter somewhere it all became wrapped up into a learning experience.
If I could go back and do it all over again. I would because the time I had with him helped shaped me into the woman I have become today. I thank him for that. I truthfully hope someday we can be friends and we can possibly see each other and not having feelings of so much past love and resentment that maybe we can be good friends. I hope to get past the what if’s and the should of, would of ,could of’s.
Well I hope you enjoyed it. It was a long time in the writing of this story and along the way it brought up so many things I had tried to forget about. So onto the next blog!
Stay Beautiful Always Ladies, because I know I will be!
Jen
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